Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

Hello, and Happy Valentine's Day to you, dear readers! I hope that no matter where you find yourselves--single, married... or somewhere in between, that you have had a good.... Day. :)

I have always found myself to be a bit ambivalent about this particular holiday. It seems to me that while the idea of a day for expressing love and caring seems nice, the attendant pressure to do so--as well as buy gifts and cards to somehow "prove" those declarations--takes a lot of the fun (and meaning) out of the whole idea. And if we need to be reminded to express those feelings, then doesn't that speak to a much larger issue that one greeting-card-holiday will never be able to fix?

Zefrank proposes an interesting "Judgement Day" idea in his short Valentine's rant.

Maybe if Valentine's Day worked like this, we would all take a little bit more time for our relationships. Maybe we wouldn't stay in bad ones... And, just think of it--February 15th would by default become a sort of "new blood for the dating pool" kind of day. I'll bet Match.com is already working on this... ;)

Personally, I had a pretty great day today. I usually take Valentine's Day off from work when I am single, so that I can treat myself to a fun day, and today was no exception!

Now I'm off to catch a movie. Hope you are doing something fun too.

Dancing Queen

On Saturday night, I went to my very first... and second... Singles Dance.

I will admit to having been resistant to the concept, prior to this. But this year is all about broadening my horizons, and I had the perfect opportunity, since one of my activity groups was hosting a special "Valentine's" dance. So, I primped and put on my dancing shoes and a cute outfit and headed on out to see what it was like.

Overall, it wasn't a great experience.

When I first walked in it seemed very festive--there was a greeter at the door, and the women taking admission were very friendly. I think that the organizers are, in fact, a nice bunch of folks. But upon entering the ladies' room for a quick pit stop, the mood swiftly changed. Being a fairly friendly sort myself, I tried to start up a conversation, and a couple of the women were just plain catty and downright rude. Do women really feel that there are so few men "available" that they need to alienate each other just to feel like they have some sort of "edge"? At a Singles Dance?? Come on people--we're all out here together. Let's have some fun while we're at it!

Anyway, I got the heck out of there with as much grace as I could muster, and hit the dance floor, but unfortunately, it just didn't seem to be my kind of scene.

The good news is that I met two other women who were really cool and fun. They were familiar with the "Dance" scene (I'm learning fast and on my feet!) and told me that this particular dance was L.A.M.E. They were leaving, and invited me to follow them over to another dance (I had heard about it but thought this one looked better--ha!), and I grabbed the chance to get the heck out of there.

The second dance was everything that the first was not! It was HUGE and held in a beautiful ballroom overlooking a lake. I met lots of nice, friendly people, danced quite a bit and had such a good time! I even got a couple of "West Coast Swing" lessons from a very capable young man (!)

I'll be going back again for sure.

What's wrong??

Recently, a friend of mine confessed to me that her husband, upon meeting me at a party, asked her "So what's wrong with [sgrrl], why is she single?" Luckily, my friend wasn't having any, and promptly informed him that there was nothing wrong with me, rather I simply hadn't met the "right man at the right time" yet!

But I wonder... Does my "never married" status label me as damaged goods in some men's eyes? Is this something that is widely believed in the dating community?

I have always taken the idea of commitment very seriously. Over the years, I have watched my friends marry the person they were with when they were ready to settle down and/or have children... and then watched those marriages ultimately fail. I have always felt that once I married someone, that I would definitely see it through--for better or for worse.

In my life, I have had two long-term relationships that I felt had this potential. One in my early 20s (he thought that we were too young), and one a few years later (after we were engaged, I discovered that he had a "fidelity issue"). And then, of course, there was my shorter-term involvement with the architect. Over the years, I have met many men who I am sure would have made fine husbands, but there was either a commitment issue on their part or some crucial element of that relationship trinity (intellectual, physical, spiritual) that was missing for me.

Should I have married one of these guys anyway? My belief is absolutely not. As much as I wanted marriage and a family, I don't feel that it would have been fair to anyone involved.

ICA

Went to the ICA in Boston with some friends yesterday to have a look at some modern art. The building is just gorgeous! As for the exhibits, I found that I engaged with about half of what was there... There was one video exhibit (Christian Jankowski's "The Hunt") that opens with a guy walking down the street. He stops in front of a grocery store, pulls out a bow and arrows and goes in. He gets a cart and then shoots the arrows at the items on the shelf. When he hits one he can load it into his cart to buy it. It was a fun idea--pointing up how removed the "hunt" for our food has become. Another video exhibit (Rachel Perry Welty's "Karaoke Wrong Number") showed a woman lip-synching to wrong-number voicemails she had received.... It was eerie, and funny and kind of sad (Rachel, please tell me that you finally did call Marguerite back??). Some of the visual pieces were just gorgeous and/or inspiring (I loved Cornelia Parker's "Hanging Fire"), the majority were depressing--why is it that "happy art" is not often considered as seriously as "tortured art" in the modern art world??

All in all it was a very thought-provoking day...

End of an era?

It is turning out to be a bit of an adjustment getting used to not being involved in the online dating process. For the last 10 years, it seems like if I was not involved in an exclusive relationship with someone, then I at least had that potential through the overwhelming amount of interest that I would get when using an online service. This may well be the first time that I don't have some potential "someone" either in my life, or on my horizon... I am finally past the place where I feel like I "need" a man to be complete... and in a way that is quite liberating...

But there is also still this vague sense of something... missing.

So. Here I am. Out here.

Not much to report as yet. I'm writing from a local coffee shop that just happens to offer free WiFi. I expect that they will be getting a large proportion of my coffee-buying business these next few months. Even without the WiFi this would be a great place to hang out. It is comfortable, casual, and located in the center of town, so there is a lot of traffic in and out. Great coffee. Right now the crowd is a mix of all ages. Some like me typing away on their laptops, some reading books or the paper, a few couples, a couple of students. And a couple of "ball-cap" guys just sat down directly in my line of vision... It is interesting to observe men when they sit down to share a meal or a cup of coffee--they always look just a little bit uncomfortable at first, until they get talking. These two are not talking at all so far. And--just like that--they are gone. I guess the "just sitting" was too uncomfortable? Or maybe it was my srutinizing stare--hee hee!

Going offline.

This year, I have decided to take a break from online dating. I was talking with a girlfriend awhile back and she presented me with a very interesting theory about why online dating sets us up for failure more often than not. In a nutshell, she says that if a person is successful with getting dates online that once they have been at it for more than a month, they become spoiled--unable to commit. If there are always more potential dates online who can be matched up with us in a way that at least initially makes them look "perfect" for us, then why would we want to put up with someone who--as it turns out--is merely human, and doesn't always agree with us or want to do what we want to do, when we want to do it?

Interesting...

I think she might be on to something. And I am just kind of burnt out on the whole online dating thing. Tired of getting all hopeful about someone only to meet and discover that while they would make a great friend, that I am absolutely not attracted to them romantically. Or worse, to have them decide that about me. Ugh. Better to just meet someone, and know that you've got that "spark" from the get go, right?

So this year, in addition to putting myself out here in blogland, I have also decided to just Get. Out. There. Check out new places and be my typical, friendly self with the people I find there and just see what happens...

Wish me luck. :)

How did I get here?

Hello dear readers! How are you on this lovely, warm(!) January evening?

So. How do I come to this point in my life--successful in most other things that I have set my sights on--but not in love? A very good question. I'm not entirely sure. When asked, I generally toss off the old standard "I just haven't met the right man yet!" line ...and that may very well be true.

Most recently, I have been back in the dating pool since April of last year. I really thought that I had found my man!! He was tall, dark, and handsome. A successful architect, New Orleans "royalty" in fact, who had a sexy southern gentleman's style and was ready to leave that wonderful, but troubled place and move north.

We were matched on eHarmony, and hit it off right away--writing almost every day and talking a few times a week. When he wanted to fly north to take me out to dinner I was more than flattered. We endured the coldest night of last year, holing up in a romantic Italian bistro for hours, drinking wine and talking, and just being amazed that we were actually THERE with each other. The plate glass window was frosted over with the steam from the kitchen, and he wrote my name in the frost...

I consider my first trip south to visit him one of my most memorable "dates" ever. Here's the email that I sent out to my best friend when I got back:

[My flight] arrived about an hour late due to the initial de-icing and the storm causing turbulence/head-winds, etc. [He] was there when I got out of the security area, and greeted me with a big hug and a kiss. We got my bags and got outside. It was sunny and 70 degrees!! Beautiful day. Once we got into town, we put the top down and it was just heaven. Made everything totally worth it.

I checked into my B&B and he hung out and we chatted while I unpacked. Then we got back into the car and he took me for a late lunch at Casamento's.

It turned out that his sisters were all in town at once for that night only, and we had been invited to enjoy some of his Mama's gumbo at his sister's house (How New Orleans is that??). I decided that it was a perfect time to meet his whole family, since if I didn't make a good impression, it could be explained away that I was very tired from my trip. ;)

So, after lunch we went down Magazine Street, and checked out some shops. Then we stopped into the Ponchartrain Hotel to check it out. I am really glad I didn't stay there. Like the reviews said, it was definitely once a very grand old place, but Friday it was just downright dirty and looked completely uncared for. And that was the public areas--I can't imagine what the rooms must have looked like. Sad. I hope they fix it up at some point.

After that I went back to my B&B and tried to take a nap for about an hour, and then got ready to go to dinner. His family is just great--I met all 5 sisters and his mom. Everyone was really down to earth and nice, and they all tried to make me feel welcome. [He] made sure that his mom didn't monopolize me too much, and seemed to really be sensitive to when I needed him to step in and give me a break. :) But mostly, I felt comfortable just mingling and talking with everyone. The gumbo was fantastic, and for dessert we had a King Cake. Thank goodness I didn't get the piece with the baby--that would have been awkward! Things wound up fairly early and I was able to get to bed around 11-ish. Long day.

But I slept really well, and was refreshed for Saturday. [He] picked me up around 10, and we went to breakfast at the Bluebird Cafe.

Then we put the top down and drove out to the zoo. THANK YOU for that idea. The zoo was fantastic!! I took lots of pictures and will post them online soon. We spent hours and hours there--very fun! I got a sunburn! We had some yummy jumbalaya from a stand there for a late lunch.

After that we walked across the street to the park and walked the 2-mile loop, stopping in the middle to sprawl on the grass in front of the water and relax and talk. [He] told me about a job offer that he is considering for a national architecture firm, that has an office in Boston. He is considering taking it for more reasons than that, but wanted to mention that if he took it he would likely have the option to transfer at some point. He is also going to check out the job market for other potential firms in the Boston area, since he is not yet sure if he wants to leave his current job and take another one in New Orleans at this point.

After that it was time to get ready for dinner. We got all dressed up and went to La Crepe Nanou which was great. I had the Crepe Au Crab and a couple of glasses of wine, and the Mousse Au Chocolat for dessert. Fantastic.

After dinner we went over to the Ritz to see Jeremy Davenport and his band play swing and standards. It was a bit stuffy inside, and I could tell that [he] was anxious about asking me to dance, so I suggested that since it was such a nice night out, that we go out to the courtyard, and perhaps get a Mint Julep to enjoy out there. Well, we walked into the Library Lounge and asked one Chris McMillan for a Mint Julep, and without even knowing it, we had set ourselves up for a most magical experience! While preparing our mint juleps in two of the three special silver cups that he bought himself (with his personal funds) especially for making them in, Chris recited a wonderful piece of poetry that he had committed to memory about the making of a Mint Julep. He then trusted us to take the cups with us out to the courtyard, where we found a lovely little grotto-seat to sit and enjoy the music, our drinks and the moon--I know, you're gagging at this point, right? It gets worse. We danced too! Then we sat there until 1am talking and enjoying everything.

Sunday, we had a leisurely afternoon brunch at the Savvy Gourmet, and then we went grocery shopping at Whole Foods for stuff to make dinner that night.

After dinner, we hung out in his living room and listened to music, ate dessert, drank wine and talked a lot about our ideas of how to go forward with a relationship, and what our thoughts were about how long we could manage to continue with the traveling, before we would need to make the decision to live together or not. We decided to give it at least 8 months, but no more than a year. We talked about how nice it had been that I got along with his sisters and his mama. He said that he hoped that I would be there again with all of them at Christmas, and that he couldn't wait.

Slept in yesterday. We had lunch and then went over to Lafayette Cemetery, so that I could check it out and take some pictures. It was another beautiful day!

Then [he] drove me out to the airport. He told me that he was going to miss me terribly and that even though he knew that it wasn't going to be easy, he was completely committed to seeing things through. It took me about 10-15 minutes to get through all the security hassle, and when I looked back one last time as I was walking to my gate, I saw that he had moved to where he could still give me one last wave (I know--gagging again, right?)

What a wonderful weekend that was! I am so lucky to have had the chance to experience New Orleans in that way. We continued to see each other through April, when he suddenly called me and told me that he "couldn't do the distance" anymore. He didn't really want to talk about it, beyond saying that he had been mistaken in thinking he could do a long-distance relationship, and even though he said that we would talk some more, he never called again.

I was devastated. I missed him for a log time. I was really in love with him. Or at least with the potential that I saw between us...

I spent the rest of the spring and all of the summer living it up--nursing my broken heart with all things pleasant: vacation time, friends, fun, food, wine, travel, luxuries. It was just what I needed. I made a brief foray out into the dating world again this fall, and found a most intriguing man out there... but the timing was just not right for us, and so I decided not to take it into the new year.

Isn't it funny how just the calendar turning over can inspire us to make major changes in our lives? I wonder what this year will bring?

Hey, World!

Happy New Year!

Howareya? Good? Good.

Me? Single again. Sigh. Sure, it's a great chance to "reconnect with me," "focus on my career," "hang out with my friends,""catch up on my reading," "spend some quality time with my cat, " etc. But this time, I have decided to start a new hobby as well: My friends keep telling me "You should write a book!" so I thought I might start small and see if I can handle blogging for a year. :)

I've got a lot of experience to share here with you all... Maybe some of you will want to join in the conversation--I hope so. Who knows? Maybe we can all help each other to find and relate with the people who will matter most in our lives someday...